Ep 37. How Arelys Beat Insomnia and Found Trust in Her Body Again

Arelys’ struggle with insomnia began on a family vacation when she found it hard to sleep at a noisy Airbnb. Upon returning home, she thought her sleep would return.

But that’s not what happened.

Instead, she went through many more months of struggle trying desperately to understand what was going on with her sleep.

Finally, she found the mentorship. And while skeptical at first, she soon realized that it’s entirely possible to recover from insomnia.

In this episode, Arelys shares her journey:

• From being a good sleeper her whole life to having sleep anxiety
  
  
• How frustrating it was to be tired and NOT tired at the same time
  
  
• How Reddit left her more distressed than ever
  
  
• The moment she found some random lady on the internet and found her people
  
  
• How her response to insomnia was causing more suffering
  
  
• What she did to process some of the anger she felt about insomnia
  
  
• The powerful role of self-kindness in the process
  
  
• Why simply allowing whatever shows up during recovery is what allows it to go

I loved every second of this interview!

For Arelys, the mentorship wasn’t just about better sleep. It was about living the life she really wants to live and understanding her own power in making it happen.

Enjoy!

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Full Transcription Below:

 

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About Beth Kendall MA, FNTP:

For decades, Beth struggled with the relentless grip of insomnia. After finally understanding insomnia from a mind-body perspective, she changed her relationship with sleep, and completely recovered. Liberated from the constant worry of not sleeping, she’s on a mission to help others recover as well. Her transformative program Mind. Body. Sleep.™ has been a beacon of light for hundreds of others seeking solace from sleepless nights.

 

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FULL TRANSCRIPT:

Beth:

Hello everyone, and welcome to the podcast. I am most honored to be joined by one of the MIND. BODY SLEEP. Mentorship alums today. Her name is Arelys. Welcome Arelys!

Arelys:

This is so cool. I've listened to this podcast for months, and now I'm here. This is so great. Thank you.

Beth:

You are here and I'm so glad you are. I appreciate you taking the time out of your day to come and share your story with us. There is so much connection that comes with a story, and I think a lot of times when we hear other people's stories, we feel so much less alone with what we're going through. So we really, really appreciate it.

Arelys:

I mean, reading your story when I signed up for your emails was what I remember feeling emotional, and I forwarded the email from you to my friends, to my husband. I translated it into Spanish for my mom because you articulated what I had been experiencing in a way that I couldn't yet. And so yes, stories make a big difference.

Beth:

Yes, they do. And I'm so glad you found me. I'm always so curious how people land in the mentorship. So, if you don't mind telling us a little bit about how insomnia started for you and how you found your way to us.

Arelys:

Okay, so there are two parts to this part. One starts in the spring of 2023. My family traveled to Mexico City. It's one of our favorite places. We live in Chicago, so getting away in February is excellent. And when we were there, we were in an Airbnb that was alongside a very major road. And I'm from Chicago, so street noise isn't something I'm particularly sensitive to, but turns out that the street noise there was on another level. So now I know a lot about noise pollution because I would Google it in the middle of the night there. We ended up switching Airbnbs and the next one was louder. And this fear, this panic started in me because I have a 4-year-old daughter, and at the time she was three, and I'm her. I was a stay at home mom, and so I would get really scared that I wasn't going to be able to take care of her.

And so I sought out some help at the pharmacy. I was like, Hey, I'm not sleeping. This is really weird. And I, I think they gave me a CBD pill, I don't know, something to sleep. My back was hurting. I was like, something is really off. We eventually get to a quiet Airbnb. I'm sleeping. And then we come home after a month and I am unable to sleep. And I am 36. So for 35 years, I had slept great. I loved sleeping. It was my favorite thing to do. And my husband would say, oh, well, I'm so jealous. You lie down next to me and you say, all right, goodnight. And a few seconds later, your breathing changes. And I thought, what's happening? I thought that I left that behind at those Airbnbs, we went to three separate ones. So I thought I left them at the first two.

And so I think I put pressure on coming home that that would resolve everything, but something had changed. So I tell my doctor, I'm not sleeping. It's like 4:00 AM I'm still awake. I'm full on panicking. I'm tired, but not tired. I can't figure it out. And I go to my primary care doctor because I had to get some test to be a volunteer at my daughter's preschool. And I tell her, Hey, I am not sleeping, but I'm really scared of medication. I'm scared of becoming dependent on it. I'm scared of it not working. And she's like, I'm going to give you some Ambien. I'm going to give you have Xanax for your fear of flying. So fear is something that lives within me. You should use that when you're feeling that panic. And I said, okay. She said, but I think it's a mental thing, so you should maybe find a therapist. So I did, and I found a wonderful therapist. And after a few sessions, not specific to insomnia, I was sleeping again. And I thought, okay, it was a weird month, but I am okay now. And so I sleep. I am still in therapy. I sleep all summer. It's going great. And then I think, well, I'm ready to quit therapy. And I tell her, thank you so much. I'm ready to use all my strategies. I have my toolkit. And by toolkit I mean Ambien, Xanax, no real tools yet until the mentorship. We'll get to that.

So then that's October and I, then two weeks later, after saying goodbye to my therapist, it comes back and it is full force. Not like, oh, maybe one night I might not sleep. It was every night I would maybe fall asleep for an hour and a half at the end of around 5:00 AM I think because I just physically couldn't anymore. And I attributed it to things like, I was like, oh, well, we're hosting people for Thanksgiving. I must just be a little stressed. Oh, well, Christmas is coming up. I must be a little stressed. My daughter's birthday is on New Year's Day, and we're having friends over. I'm stressed, and I was using something to help me sleep every night. It was a little, I would spin something and it would decide what I would do that night, and that was not how I wanted to live my life. And I was scared that it would stop working. And lo and behold, one night Ambien did not work. And that was so frightening for me. That had been my biggest fear. And suddenly I was like, oh, I am so screwed because the thing that's really strong for this isn't working. And that's when I end up in the horrible place called Reddit.

Beth:

Oh, yes. Oh yes.

Arelys:

Talked about this before.

Beth:

Yes, yes, yes. I get it.

Arelys:

You joined the Insomnia subreddit and people are like, I've been an insomniac my entire life. And I was like, I am in this club and this is not a club I knew existed. It's not a club I want to be in. And I was just desperate, desperate. It got to the point where I would text my husband, Hey, it's two, I'm still here. Hey, it's three, I'm here. It's four. I am falling apart. And I one day finally told my mom. And that was really helpful because, and now that I make so many connections to the mentorship, I told her she left work because I called her crying in the morning and she said, you're going to come sleep upstairs. We live in a building and she lives in a different unit.

She gave me tea. She would rub lavender oil on all the tricks I'm referring to.

But I was able to get some sleep. I was like, I can't look at blue light. I have to be all of these things that I was trying to implement. But it worked a little bit, and I attribute it to the sense of safety that my mom

It wasn't the lavender, it wasn't the tea,

Beth:

It was the safety that came with all of that and with mom and probably telling her about it. Yes. Sort of lifting that off yourself.

Arelys:

Is it embarrassing? I can't tell. It's weird. I felt, well, this is where I think I find you. And I am desperate on Google finding anything that will help. And I had been so mean to myself. I was like, I'm broken. My brain is broken. What a loser who can't sleep, who falls apart in this way? I've sleep trained a child. How come I can't do this to myself? This is so weird. And so in the middle of the night, sometime, some evening in the winter, I find you and I first started doing my research because I was skeptical, who's this random lady on the internet saying that she can help me? And so I signed up for your welcome email, and I told you that letter was, so you used terms like hyper arousal. I don't know if that was in the letter, but I found your podcast. I was listening to it and I was like, this is my people. This is exactly what I've been experiencing. But I had a couple of hesitations. One was a fear that it would be toxic positivity, that you'd be like, you just need to believe you can sleep. She tells me that I just need to believe I can sleep. That is not going to work for me.

And then the other part was I was hesitant to invest in myself, someone who grew up without health insurance, without disposable income in our family. And so the thought of investing in something that would help me was very scary, even if I had the resources. And so we get to March 19th, there's an election in Chicago. I am an election judge. You work from 5:00 AM to 9:00 PM and I didn't sleep that night at all at before a 15 hour. I can't do the math right now, 16 hour shift. And I told my husband, and he's like, you have to sign up. We're not just going to talk about this bath lady anymore. You're going to meet her and you're going to do the one-on-one sessions and we're going to figure it out.

That's how I got here.

Beth:

Yes. Oh, I'm so glad you found this random lady on the internet.

Arelys:

Well, on Reddit, they've asked about you. Someone's like, Hey, what do you think? And no one had responded yet. Someone said, I saw her, but I don't know. And so I still don't use Reddit because of the insomnia, very insomnia subreddit. But I do need to go back and tell them that you're the real deal.

Beth:

Oh, yes. Do I remember talking to you about this? And I'm a little scared to Google myself on Reddit because who knows what they're saying in those insomnia forums. But I am so glad you made your way to the mentorship and everything that you're describing, of course, is just so understandable how you were on vacation in 2023, and that is what, when some fear became associated with being awake at night, and you had especially never experiencing anything like that. And just really identifying as such a good sleeper prior to that that can feel really, really rattling, really rattling what is going on and then getting back home. And then there's that little bit of expectation like, well, this should be resolving. Why isn't this resolving? And then moving towards the therapy and then getting better. And then pegging, oh, it was the therapy. You probably thought, oh, it was the therapy that helped me, or whatever external force we connect to starting to sleep better.

Arelys:

Exactly right. It was all I was seeking external. And I think that's a little preview of what's to come. That turns out it wasn't external.

Beth:

Exactly. Exactly. And I think what was just missing in that was just the proper education about insomnia and how it happens. And again, it's just so understandable because we think of insomnia as primarily a physical problem, but it's really just a physical expression of a fear that's going on in the mind, but just no one tells us that. So we keep barking up the wrong tree. And so you found the mentorship, which I'm so glad you did.

Arelys:

Me too. Me too.

Beth:

You came in and then what happened?

Arelys:

Okay. The mentorship, I decided to do the one-on-one sessions with you because I was just so desperate. And I joined the community with other folks. And again, I was skeptical and I was like, did this Beth lady make up all of these profiles that are going to have their own stories? And are they real? Because I was just so worried because it felt I had been so alone in this thought of there being other people that were experiencing something either identical or extremely similar. I couldn't believe it. And so I joined the community and I get the lessons and the lessons. You do such a great job of organizing them in a way that you tell us like, Hey, we're not going to solve this in this first lesson, and I'm not going to give them all to you at once. They get released to you every week, so you have time to let the information settle and to let it sink in. And it all connects to what is coming next. And you reference a lot of a variety of science, and you do a great job of creating analogies that make sense. And so in those lessons, I was learning about how my brain can take a problem and my reaction to the problem, for example, is what can lead to something really more terrible than it needs to be?

So I would share some of these things with my husband as I was going through the lessons, and I felt like there was, I had this realization that I wasn't the person that I used to be. I had become a really negative human being. I wasn't very happy. I was a stay-at-Home Mom, and I'm so grateful for that privilege. But it wasn't a dream of mine. It's something I fell into and I was no longer enjoying it very much, but I was hesitant to admit it. And I would wake up and feel like dread about the day. This is even without the insomnia being a part of it. But I realized that I wasn't living the life that I had wanted to live, and I used to be, and I am now somebody who is very happy. I am scared of planes because I am scared of dying because I want to be here because I enjoy life. And so I felt like in your lessons, it wasn't just talking to me about sleep, it was also talking to me about the way that I approached life in general. There were some connections. My husband had read a book on Buddhism, and I read something. I told him something from the lessons, and he was like, oh, yeah, that's a really great philosophy about how people can, and you can enhance on this because I haven't needed the lesson, which is a good thing, but about how you respond to something can create more suffering,

And how there's going to be pain. I'm not going to sleep, and so maybe I'm really tired and I'm uncomfortable. But when I was so angry about it, it was just so much worse. So that was a really wonderful lesson. More lessons on just how the thought of self-kindness. I

Beth:

Remember you talking about this. Yeah,

Arelys:

I was so mean to myself.

I've been a perfectionist. I've always been someone who has to do things really well, and I am doing air quotes here. I was failing at something, something so basic sleeping. And so I was so mean to myself. And at night at 2:00 AM I'd say really mean things to myself because that's all I knew. And so to me, it was such a radical idea to be kind. And then speaking of radical, also, this idea of accepting radical acceptance came from our one-On-one chats. We would talk about, Hey, you had asked me, is there something on your mind? And I'd say, yeah, I get really scared at night that I'm not going to sleep, even though I've been sleeping. And you said to me that's okay because I wanted to get rid of the fear, whereas you and Coach Richard tell us that we need to accept those feelings because we are people and we feel things, and it's okay to feel fear. It's okay to feel sadness that I wasn't sleeping, but that sadness and that fear, I was taking it to another level that wasn't cute. It was being mean to myself. It was being mad at everyone who did sleep,

So I got bitter. Whereas now I'm like, oh, yeah, I can be kind to myself and I can just accept my feelings. And then they go away.

Beth:

They just pass all on their own. We don't have to do a thing. No. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I know that's, I think that's largely what this journey through insomnia is, is just remembering this other option is that, wait a minute, we can just allow these things to be there and they'll just pass on their own. And it's almost like just remembering that's always an option because I think we're so used to either getting mad at ourselves or judging our thoughts or our feelings or whatever our brain is making them mean and getting tangled up in that, or trying to stop them or resist them. And that's really where the suffering comes in, is in that part versus just the thought or feeling itself, which will just naturally pass all on its own. So yeah, that's a big part of it for sure.

Arelys:

Yeah, and like I said, these are lessons not just related to sleep, they're lessons related to how I want to live my life. And I know that you always tell us, you should be living the life that makes you happy. Don't avoid seeing friends. Don't let this impact your day to day so much that your night already is hard. How can we still have those pieces of joy in your life? And I felt this is the part where, so I am historically someone who's like, I think little quotes are silly, positive things, mantras, journaling is dumb, manifesting not all of those things. I was like, no, that's not me. And now it's not like the woo woo stuff. It's nice to be someone who, I started journaling because of the mentorship, and it was so nice putting down my thoughts when I was angry onto paper. And now I'm going to implement that with my third grade students because putting your feelings down on paper can be so powerful. It gets it out of you. I read a positive quote and I think, oh, that feels really nice. I'm going to lean into that. I did a yoga class yesterday and it said something about life and is manifesting beautiful. I don't know, something about life being beautiful. And I was like, yeah, it is. But before I was like, okay, yeah, life is beautiful. How's that going to help you?

I was so negative, but I don't know. I know I got there, but insomnia I think was a wake up call for me.

Beth:

Yeah. Oh, yes, yes. I hear that often. And I remember you saying that you were able to sort of see your own mindset shifting throughout the three months. It was like you were kind of able to observe like, oh, it's so interesting how I am making these shifts, being kinder, perhaps seeing more of the beauty, trusting the unknown. I remember uncertainty. Yeah, it was a big one too.

Arelys:

Yes. The unknown. You asked me one time, you said, it sounds like when I said I was afraid of whether every day around 8:00 PM I'd think, okay, am I going to sleep tonight? Am I going to sleep tonight? And you said, it sounds like you are afraid of the unknown. And I don't know if I had been living under a rock, but that blew my mind. And I brought it to my therapist and I said, Hey, coach Beth, it was like a team effort, my therapist and you. And it all went hand in hand because I would say she brought up the unknown. And then I realized in my personal life, I don't know where my daughter's going to go to preschool. I don't know what I want to do for work. I don't know what my schedule could look like. I don't know where we want to live. I don't know. I was living in a lot of unknowns, and unknowns make me deeply uncomfortable. And so that has been something I've been exploring outside of the mentorship.

And it has been so wonderful because you said to me, and maybe you can recall, you're so good with words, but you said something, you're like, what if we reframe that? And instead of the unknown being scary, the unknown is full of possibility. The unknown is how you got so many wonderful things in your life. And that's so true that I didn't know I was going to meet my husband. I didn't know that I was going to get this wonderful job that I'm starting tomorrow. I didn't know that taking a woodworking class would lead me to really wonderful friendships. So many unknowns can lead to great things, but I was focused on the scary things.

Beth:

Yeah, I remember you saying you become so focused on the tree that you forget the forest. You forget the forest of life. And all the magic that can come in the unknown is sort of just following the breadcrumbs of your life and trusting what it's going to show you. And I remember saying that's where all the magic is, is in the unknown. That's where the magic lives. And just reframing,

Arelys:

I didn't know this. And at 36 years old, I feel like there's a missed opportunity for people to learn these lessons. And it took something like insomnia to get me to this place where I now think, okay, is my reaction serving me? How can I radically accept my feelings? Am I causing myself more suffering than the pain I already have? Is this unknown going to, can I handle this unknown? Is there a chance that something magical comes out of it? These are things that I didn't live my life like that before this.

Beth:

Yeah. Yeah. There's one thing about insomnia is it will take you places like that that you wouldn't have gone otherwise. And I guess this is a really good place to ask what were or were there. I mean, you've already shared so many insights, but what were some of the silver linings that came from the experience of insomnia?

Arelys:

I would rather never have experienced it. I've heard of the other person say on the podcast,

Beth:

I remember Gemma saying, oh, it was hell. I'm not going to lie.

Arelys:

Last night, I haven't had a night since. I've left the mentorship since I graduated that I haven't slept. And that is so wonderful to me. But I have had nights where I haven't fallen asleep until later than I thought I would. And I trust my body. And that is something I learned because of insomnia. I had never had a relationship with my body that in the way that I do now. Now I know how my brain works. I read a book called The Untethered Soul that was, again, self-help books. I was like, that's not me. Ew, who does that? And now I've read one or two. And in that book, it's all about the voice in your head. And the voice in my head during insomnia was, oh, that was brutal. And so to know that I can quiet that voice, that I can talk to it with logic, that I can tell it like, Hey, that thing that you're thinking is actually not true. That is really powerful. And that came because of insomnia. I knew that I had thoughts, obviously, it sounded so silly to say, I know I had thoughts. I can't stop thinking. But I didn't know the relationship I could have with my thoughts.

Beth:

Exactly it. Yes. Yes.

Arelys:

And then this thing you told me when in our last call, which I said I'm scared. I'm scared of the fall because in the fall last year is when I thought I was okay and then I wasn't. And you said your brain does make associations, but you can change them. That's the beauty of neuroplasticity. That filing cabinet is not forever. It may have a file in there that says, Hey, in October we might struggle to sleep, but I can build a new file folder. I can get rid of that file folder.

Beth:

You can update the file, girl. It's like we are creating our future brain from the now moment. So when that file comes up, there's no need to worry. You just update the file. Here's what's going on. You don't need to bring up this file. We're changing the document here.

Arelys:

Yeah, exactly. Last night I used to go to bed around 10, 10 30. I'm starting a new school year. I haven't been a teacher in eight years, but I'll be a teacher again tomorrow. So

Beth:

So exciting.

Arelys:

I'm so excited. And there's a lot on my mind, and it was 1130 and I was like, I should be asleep by now. And I could feel a little bit of panic coming. And I said, your body knows how to, I actually talked to myself, you know how to do this. You sleep just fine. And if you can't, you have so much to do that you could get up. I don't know what happened after that. I woke up at 7:00 AM So it works being kind, accepting, trusting myself, but you can't lie to yourself.

Beth:

Yeah, exactly. It has to come from an organic place because the unconscious knows, and we don't need to lie to ourselves. We can just let everything unfold exactly as it needs to. And we always think of hyperarousal as associated with this fear and anxiety, but arousal also comes from good things like excitement about a new job and new things in life. So it isn't all bad with hyper arousal, and that's completely normal to have a little bit of wakefulness due to good things as well.

Arelys:

That's good. Putting a name to it, you have no idea what I know. You know, because you see in the community, all of us saying, wow, just being able to put a name to that feeling is the first step in all of us realizing, okay, now that we know what it is, let's learn how to deal with it.

Beth:

Exactly. I know what you're talking about because when I heard that word, it's amazing how validating a single word can feel. But I was like, yes, that word just perfectly describes what my brain feels like. So I get it. I really do.

Arelys:

I'm so grateful for you. You're one of my favorite people in the world.

Beth:

Oh, thank you so much. That means just the world to me, and that you've come full circle from listening to the podcast to being on the podcast. And I think this is a good place to conclude this just super powerful story of hope. And thank you again for being here and being a part of the mentorship and a part of my life. It's always great to reconnect with you guys after you've graduated. So thank you so much.

Arelys:

Thank you. And I know that it could happen again, and that the mentorship will always be there for me if I need it. It's nice to not be in it, but I do miss the community a lot.

Beth:

Yes. I know you made some close connections in the community, and I think that's great. It's just great that we can help each other out and know that you have people that know exactly what you're going through, and I think that's really priceless for when you're going through something that you feel like no one else can relate to. So the community is a wonderful, wonderful part of the mentorship.

Arelys:

You've done something so wonderful for us. Thank you. Thank you, thank you.

Beth:

Well, you are so welcome. And for anyone tuning in, thank you so much for joining us. I'm Beth Kendall, and this is the MIND. BODY. SLEEP. Podcast. Be well...