Ep 53. The Innocent Mindset That Kept Me Stuck (for years)

Today I’m talking about a mindset that quietly fueled insomnia and kept me stuck for years.

This mindset can create pressure, anxiety, and an endless loop of trying to "get it right."

If you're feeling stuck... overwhelmed... wondering why your brain still won't let go — this might be part of the picture.

Tune in to explore the quiet beliefs that keep this loop alive, and how to shift out of them for good.

Enjoy! 🧡

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Full Transcription Below

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About Beth Kendall MA, FNTP:

For decades, Beth struggled with the relentless grip of insomnia. After finally understanding insomnia from a mind-body perspective, she changed her relationship with sleep, and completely recovered. Liberated from the constant worry of not sleeping, she’s on a mission to help others recover as well. Her transformative program Mind. Body. Sleep.® has been a beacon of light for hundreds of others seeking solace from sleepless nights.

© 2023 - 2025 Beth Kendall

DISCLAIMER: The podcasts available on this website have been produced for informational, educational and entertainment purposes only. The contents of this podcast do not constitute medical or professional advice. No person listening to and/or viewing any podcast from this website should act or refrain from acting on the basis of the content of a podcast without first seeking appropriate professional advice and/or counseling, nor shall the information be used as a substitute for professional advice and/or counseling. The Mind. Body. Sleep. Podcast expressly disclaims any and all liability relating to any actions taken or not taken based on any or all contents of this site as there are no assurances as to any particular outcome.

How the Search for "What Works" Works Against You

Introduction

Well hello everyone, so good to be with you in the podcast today.

My name is Beth. I’m a sleep coach for people with insomnia. And I created this podcast to help people think differently about sleep and let you know that it is completely possible to get free from the constant fear and worry that they’ll never sleep normally again.

The Innocent Mindset

In this episode, I’m going to build off a video I made recently in the mentorship community about a very innocent mindset that can keep people stuck for years.

Why I Hesitate to Use the Word "Mindset"

And I REALLY hesitate to use the word “mindset” because the truth is, you really don’t need any sort of mindset to be able to sleep. If you were to ask a normal sleeper what mindset they have to sleep so well, they wouldn’t understand the question, right?

They’d be like, “What do you mean?”

There’s no conscious effort or thought around maintaining a particular mindset - they just go to bed and sleep and that’s kind of the end of it - it’s actually a pretty boring affair.

Why Effort Doesn’t Belong in Sleep

The other thing about the word mindset is that it implies this undertone of effort. But again, effort isn’t required for sleep because it’s a completely passive process, right. It thrives on not doing much at all.

It’s actually when we develop a mindset that sleep turns into something else, right? It becomes something we desperately try to DO versus something that just happens unconsciously all on its own.

Naming the Mindset

So that’s what I’m going to speak about today. And again, this was the mindset I was in for over forty years, so if you notice your brain doing the exact same thing, just know that you’re not alone and this really is at the heart of insomnia.

So the mindset I’m talking about is the: “Is this working” mindset.

How the “Is This Working?” Mindset Shows Up

The “Is this working?” mindset shows up as:

“Is this going to work for me?”

““What if this doesn’t work like everything else?”

“How long until this starts working?”

“Does this work for everyone?”

“I tried XYZ and it finally started working.”

There are lots of interesting ways the “Is this working?” mindset likes to show up.

Why It's So Understandable

And it’s such an understandable way of thinking, right? Because we learn in early life to think in terms of outside-in solutions, right? We take a pill and wait for it to work. We utilize a technique and attach an outcome to it.

We’re looking for something outside of us to “work” because we place a lot of trust and value onto external things.

Hardly anyone out there is reminding us of how incredibly powerful we are — that’s just not a message we hear too often. But it’s the one we need to hear which is why I’m reminding you right now that you are amazing.

When Sleep Becomes Externalized

So again, insomnia in my opinion is the transition from sleep as something that happens, to something we do. What once was an internal process becomes an external one based on achievement and finding the right thing to “work.”

Now, I can tell you, after going through this for so long, that this is an endless hamster wheel of trying a million different things and never really getting anywhere.

The Real Driver of Insomnia

Because at the heart of the problem is the belief that we need something to work.

That we need something outside of us to fix this problem.

That’s really what’s driving insomnia.

Looking for something to “work” is what kept me chasing my tail for all those years. And it wasn’t until I realized that I didn’t need anything to work because there was nothing physically wrong with me that I started coming out of insomnia.

When You Can’t See It

The “Is this working?” mindset was so deeply ingrained into my identity and how I was thinking about sleep that I just couldn’t see how I was doing it. So if you’re listening to this, and there’s a part of you that’s on board and another part of you that’s completely skeptical, that’s okay. I totally get it

It’s exactly how I’d expect you to feel.

3 Ways the Mindset Keeps Us Stuck

So let’s take a look at 3 ways the “Is this working” mindset can keep us stuck….

1. It Keeps the Brain in Problem-Solving Mode

The first thing it does is keep the brain in problem-solving mode. We are all excellent problem-solvers and I personally love this about myself and would not want to change it. But sleep is just one of those things in life that responds paradoxically to problem-solving because it creates more mental activity, not less.

2. It Keeps the Focus on Sleep

It also puts the attention on sleep versus the barriers that are getting in the way of sleep. And this is the angle we’re coming from in the mentorship because we take the approach that there’s absolutely nothing wrong with you, your brain, or your ability to sleep. You’ve just developed some barriers to sleep and that’s where we put our focus.

3. It Creates Pressure and Monitoring

Lastly, it creates more pressure and monitoring. Basically it keeps the mind on guard because we try something, we check to see if it’s working, and then we check again, and if it doesn’t produce sleep instantly, then we feel anxious or discouraged, and we’re back on the search for something else.

What Finally Changed for Me

And like I said, my friends, I did this for DECADES. I thought insomnia was something that was happening to me and I thought the solution was outside of me.

I didn’t realize that all of this was just activating more stress in my brain.

From “Is This Working?” to “Is This Helping?”

Okay, so what’s the big shift here? How can we look at this in a new way?

Well, I think that’s pretty easy.

We go from: “Is this working?” To “Is this helping?”

One feels like pressure, the other like support.

The first feels like fixing, the second like co-creating.

A New Way to Relate to Sleep Tools

For example:

My noisemaker helps me sleep at night, but I don’t sleep because of my noisemaker.

Locking my cats out of the bedroom helps me sleep better because they’re not driving me crazy, but it’s not what’s creating sleep.

There’s a big difference between something supporting you and something saving you. The brain is going to perceive those things differently based on the meaning we assign to them.

Give Credit Where It’s Due

And the last thing I want to offer around this topic is to always give credit where credit is due.

So what do I mean by that?

Well, when you have a good night of sleep, give all the credit to your own amazing body. Because the “is this working” mindset will want to jump in and lead you to believe that it was whatever thing you did or did not do that’s responsible for sleep.

But that is not the case, my friends. It’s always the wisdom of your own sleep system doing the heavy lifting.

A Loving Reminder

So, for those of you maybe a little bit further along in the recovery process, if you notice yourself still talking or speaking in the “Is this working?” mindset, no worries. I still hear myself saying things in this context, and it’s not a problem.

Closing

I hope this episode made sense, everyone. If you feel inspired to leave a rating or review for the podcast, that would mean a lot to me, and it helps others find this work as well.

Until next time, I’m Beth Kendall — and you’ve been listening to the Mind. Body. Sleep. Podcast. Be well…