Ep 41. Breaking Up With Insomnia

In this episode, I’m talking all things metaphors and what it looks like to break up with insomnia.

It’s not about quick fixes (which don't work anyway). It’s about gently unraveling the neural pathways that keep us stuck.

The journey out of insomnia, much like moving on from love, is messy and nonlinear.

It's very up and down. 

One day, you're sure you're on the way out. And the next, you're like: “When am I ever going to get over this??”

But eventually, as we rewire our brains, life gets bigger, and insomnia gets smaller.

Join me for a raw, metaphor-driven exploration of how to finally "break up" with insomnia and live a life where insomnia doesn’t define you.

Enjoy! 🧡

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Full Transcript Below:

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About Beth Kendall MA, FNTP:

For decades, Beth struggled with the relentless grip of insomnia. After finally understanding insomnia from a mind-body perspective, she changed her relationship with sleep, and completely recovered. Liberated from the constant worry of not sleeping, she’s on a mission to help others recover as well. Her transformative program Mind. Body. Sleep.® has been a beacon of light for hundreds of others seeking solace from sleepless nights.

 

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FULL TRANSCRIPT:

Breaking Up with Insomnia: How Metaphors Help Us Understand the Journey

Hello, hello, hello, how is everyone doing today? It’s great to be with you on this beautiful Fall Day in October 2024. I’ve just returned from the dog park which is one of my favorite places on the planet so it’s all good. And for anyone new tuning it, my name is Beth, I’m a sleep coach for people with insomnia, and I view insomnia primarily as a conditioned hyperarousal response versus strictly a physical problem. I tend to approach insomnia through a neuroplasticity lens, as this was the understanding that got me past insomnia after 42 years.

 

Today’s episode is all about the process of leaving insomnia. Now, something you may not know about me is I have always been captivated by the role of metaphors in the human mind. And I tend to think in metaphors myself. But from my past education, I’ve learned that people tend to be drawn to metaphors in the outside world that mirror their inside world. And this insight became especially clear to me during a coaching session when I working my way out of chronic illness. My coach asked me what my favorite movie was. And even though I didn’t really understand why she would be asking me that, it was an easy answer because let’s just be honest, The Shawshank Redemption is one of the best movies of all time.

 

Recognizing Myself in "The Shawshank Redemption"

 

So I told her: The Shawshank Redemption, of course. And when she asked me why that movie resonated so much with me, I went on to describe Andy Dufrene’s meticulously planned and well- executed escape from prison and why I found his journey so inspiring. I won’t give away any details for those who haven’t seen it, but let's just say, it wasn’t exactly an easy escape.

 

Then she posed a powerful question: She asked me how that movie paralleled aspects of my own life. And my jaw just dropped. Because Andy Dufrene’s struggle represented the kind of path I thought I had to take to do basically do anything in life. And this path was always a hard, and always a struggle.

 

Then she asked, “Well, what if you actually didn’t have to crawl through a sewer and escape your life and struggle so much just to have what you want?”

 

That was one of those light bulb moments because I suddenly saw the patterns I was repeating in my life of which insomnia was one of them — though at the time, I didn’t see it because I was still convinced there was something physically wrong with me. But my love for that movie, which I subconsciously viewed as a metaphor for my own life, gave her a glimpse into how I was mentally framing my own life experience.

 

So that was a really long tangent about metaphors, but I have always been fascinated by the metaphoric mind.

 

Metaphor for Leaving Insomnia

 

And I wanted to share that story because today’s episode revolves around a metaphor that I think captures the process of leaving insomnia really well. And this metaphor came about during a coaching call, as they so often do, (shout out to Elizabeth if you’re tuning in), when she asked me a question I’ve heard many times over the years which was: How do you know when you’re truly over insomnia? The answer that came to mind was that overcoming insomnia is a lot like falling out of love. And then I thought “Oh, this would be a really good thing to share on the podcast” — so here we are.

 

But I described falling out of insomnia to Elizabeth that day the same way I would describe falling out of love.

 

And when I say falling out love, I’m going to talk about from the lens of going through a breakup. Because in many ways, getting over insomnia is a lot like getting over a breakup.

 

And of course, this process is going to look different for everyone. Some people start sleeping better relatively quickly and move on with their lives. But for most of us, it’s a much more winding road, with progress showing up in really subtle ways versus this clear-cut moment of victory.

 

So, let me walk you through this from a neuroplasticity perspective which is one of my all-time favorite subjects. But neuroplasticity is the brain’s ability to rewire itself based on new experiences. 

 

How Neuroplasticity Comes Into Play

 

Both love and insomnia involve neural networks that become deeply ingrained into our daily lives. When we’re in love, it’s all the pathways associated with that person that light up consistently, becoming almost a part of who we are. And it’s kind of the same thing with sleep, insomnia can become intertwined with our identity when the brain registers sleep as a problem because it’s something we have to deal with on an everyday basis. So, the more emotionally charged the experience, the more significant it becomes, and the stronger the neural connections.

But then, a shift happens. In love, it’s the breakup, and with insomnia, it’s the beginning of the recovery journey. People take the first step by listening to the podcast or joining the mentorship and in a lot of ways, this can be an exciting time because things finally start to make sense, and there’s a lot of relief that comes with that.

 

But then, just because we understand the problem doesn’t necessarily mean that those old pathways automatically die off, right? When you think about the early stages of a breakup, even if you logically know that the relationship is over, your emotions don’t just instantly fall in line with it because you’re still emotionally wired to that person. So, the pathways can still fire off with the same intensity as they did before.

 

It’s the same way with insomnia.

 

And this is that really painful stage of the breakup where it feels like you’re always going to be in this stage. You don’t see how you’re ever NOT going to feel the way that you do, and you’re not convinced that you’ll ever truly recover from anything.

 

The Winding Road to Recovery

 

Ever so gradually, things do begin to change. The first time you do something without that person or go to a place you used to visit together, it can feel like you’re rewriting old memories—which you literally are because new experiences start to weaken old neural connections. And with insomnia, it might feel like it’s still there, always lurking in the background waiting to come forward. But maybe it’s starting to lose its grip. Or maybe for the first time, you start getting a glimmer of hope that you might actually be able to move past this.

 

And it’s very normal to experience a tremendous number of ups and downs during this messy middle phase. One day you’re confident you’re moving forward and you’re like, “Yep, I am totally going to get through this.” And the next, you’re convinced that things will never change. It’s almost like you’re living with two different versions of yourself depending on how well you sleep.

 

And then, as more time passes, the memories of insomnia, much like the memories of a past relationship start to fade. Waves of the past still show up from time to time, but when they do, it doesn’t dominate your existence like it once did. You might even find that you’re starting to get a little bored by topic of sleep, and you don’t feel the urge to dissect every sleepless night like you once did.

 

There’s also a gentle acceptance that comes with this phase because you realize that no amount of searching for answers is going change the situation, so it becomes much more about moving forward through life and changing the way you’re meeting the experience of insomnia.

 

Now, the amazing thing about neuroplasticity is that, as you unlearn old patterns, you’re also learning new patterns. So, the more you focus on the things that really matter to you, the stronger those neural networks become. You’re literally rewiring your brain to prioritize different experiences.

 

Eventually the old fears show up less and less, and even when they do show up, they don’t pack the same punch. So, instead of being gripped by panic, you approach them with a lot more curiosity or even a sense of detachment. The thoughts of “What if this never ends?” and “Will I ever be okay again?” start to sound a lot less convincing in your mind.

 

Life gets bigger, and insomnia gets smaller and eventually, you start to forget what it was even like to have insomnia. The emotions tied to the experience start to soften and instead of feeling anger or resentment, you start to see the situation as a source of growth or wisdom. It no feels like the enemy and instead becomes just a chapter in your life.  

 

And then many years down the road, which is the case for me now, trying to recall those old feelings related to insomnia becomes almost impossible. You can’t fire off those mental pathways no matter how hard you try.

 

And that, my friends is my personal metaphor for breaking up with insomnia.

Thanks for tuning in to the Mind. Body. Sleep podcast. I appreciate each and every one of you. I’m Beth Kendall, signing off for now. Be well.